Monthly Archives: November 2013

Part Two The Real Me

I am trying to see beauty even on gray days.

I am trying to see beauty even on gray days.

 

In my last post I was explaining I was hurt by the comments of a coworker.  I almost said that I had allowed a coworkers’ comments to hurt me.  I don’t like it when I hear people say that.  It feels like kicking someone when they are down.  I think that feelings happen.  If we are aware of the feeling, we can then choose what to do with them.

Anyway, the same thing happened today.  I noticed that the automated mail cart was off the track and stopped.  Even after everything I said yesterday, I still hesitated to go fix it.  But I did.  Walking toward it, I was thinking, I have noticed this off the track a number of times in the same place so I should contact the Mail Center so they could call a repair person.

I got it back on track and moving again.  I turned around and there was a coworker a few steps away from me.  I told her that I would not try to fix it if I did not know what I was doing and she did not need to check up on me.  She said that she was not checking up on me but our other coworker had told her it was not working.  She said that she was going to contact the Mail Center. I don’t really believe that she was not checking up on me.

It reminded me of the following.  I first heard this a number of years ago in a Twelve Step group.  I believe it was written by Portia Nelson in 1977.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter One:  I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I fall in.  I am lost.. I am helpless.  It isn’t my fault.  It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two:  I walk down the street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I pretend I don’t see it.  I fall in again.  I can’t believe I am in this same place.  But it isn’t my fault.  It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:  I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I see it is there.  I still fall in .. it’s a habit .. but my eyes are open.  I know where I am.  It is my fault.  I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:  I walk down the same street.  There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.  I walk around it,

Chapter Five:  I walk down another street.

I need to love the part of myself that feels I I can’t do anything right.

Blessings, friends

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The Real Me

I want this blog to be a place where I can just Be.

I grew up in a very abusive home and was told that I was bad, stupid, and ugly and deserved to be treated abusively.  So some of my posts may be about my struggle to feel worthy or maybe trying to figure out how I think God sees me.

Since this was my upbringing I think you can understand how I could end up in a workplace that is not so great.  At work I usually feel that people treat me like I am invisible unless they want to tell me I did something wrong.  So some of my posts may be about casual everyday stuff I wish I could talk about at work like my excitement about a book I am reading or my favorite TV show or how much I enjoy Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped In Red CD.

I want to tell you about my experience at work today.

We have an automated cart at work that follows a track and stops at certain places.  It has a number of shelves and this is how mail is delivered.  When I say it has a track that it follows, please don’t think of a train track.  I don’t know how the technology works but the track looks like someone laid a track of sticky tape, then pulled up the tape, but there is still a mark on the floor.  Twice today I saw the cart stopped in the same place – somehow it had gotten off the track.  I went and got it back on track and moving again.

I hesitated to do it though because on two or three occasions in the past my controlling coworker was yelling (a fairly long distance) telling me how to fix it.  I had fixed it many times before she yelled at me.  I would not have been attempting to fix it if I did not know how.  But there she was yelling at me what to do.  Now, because of my background I doubt my abilities.  Now, I hesitated.  I was tempted to look around to make sure she was not watching.

I think my therapist would call this a symptom of post-traumatic-stress disorder.  She would say that this woman at work reminds me of my family and emotionally I am back in that place again.  I reacting like a powerless little girl that thinks she can’t do anything right.  I am not reacting like an adult wanting to tell the controlling woman to mind her own business and that I know what I am doing.

This is the real me.

And as a reminder to myself, twice today I fixed that cart and got it back on track and moving again.

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Worthy

Help me to be aware of my blessings.

Help me to be aware of my blessings.

my process

my process

The above is what I have been working on lately.  I have been trying to find words to describe what I have been sorting through and a diagram seemed the best answer.

It boils down to that I don’t feel worthy of the same blessings I would wish for anyone else.  Perhaps I feel like I don’t have a right to exist.

My therapist asked if I feel more worthy after writing this.  Perhaps I can better see that my feelings of being unworthy comes from their fears and not my worth.

If I pay attention, I find sources of encouragement.  Some examples are Joel Osteen, Marianne Williamson, Lisa Sarick, and Martha Beck.

I am on Joel Osteen’s email list.  Recently, he sent out a message that said “Believe God over people”.  We can be more aware of what other people think than we are of what God thinks.

I started reading Marianne Williamson’s The Law of Divine Compensation which has been sitting on my shelf for a while.

Martha Beck helped me most of all.  I came across a piece she wrote about silencing your inner critic once and for all.  She says is that if you don’t care about what people think about you, you are probably a psychopath.  I work with some people can really make me really struggle with feeling worthy.  I compound that problem by shaming myself.  I tell myself, “You know better than to let that icky person get to you!”  I need to remember to apply my desire to be kind to myself.

Martha Beck also suggests that  we operate under the scrutiny of an imaginary audience – a generalized other- an Everybody Committee.  She says, “Even if yours is flat out evil, you just can’t be indifferent to it.”.   I have some evil people in my Everybody Committee.   So again, I need to remember to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for letting my Everybody Committee make me feel worthless sometimes.

I don’t want to be hurtful to  others.  If someone else is hurting and there is something I can do to help, I would like to know and help.  It would seem that if you have empathy, you will also worry about what other people think of you.

Martha Beck also suggests telling the mean people on your Everybody Committee to take a hike and replace them with loving compassionate people.  My favorite part of this idea is that they don’t have to be people you know or even real people.  Just keep trying to find ways to read, watch, Facebook, or physically interact with loving, accepting, encouraging people and add them to your Everybody Committee.

Check out Lisa Sarick’s 10-29-13 blog post.  She has a wonderful prayer with an illustration by Lori Portka.  “Spirit Divine, Source of All Good, Flow though me.  Fill me with light …”

I need to believe that each of us has gifts the world needs.

I need to believe that each of us has gifts the world needs.

Thank you for being a part of my loving, encouraging, accepting Everybody Committee.